It is hard… To maintain the composure during the day. Let me put this as a late preface – The things that a naturally anxious or someone who suffers from a legitimately serious anxiety level desires, is to do the things that trigger their anxiety. It is sort of a mellow dream, or perhaps chasing a beautiful train of thoughts head on. When you stand there, at the moment, facing what seemed like a week’s plan on how to face it, the world spins, you get sweaty, your heart races, you… You feel anxious. It is so, obvious that, the very words you rehearsed in your mind in a picture perfect scenario, would fail to emerge. When you can’t “enjoy” life, when you fail to be on rhythm, fear or really do trip and fall on things. When you feel the spotlight is on you, and believe it or not… This is happening… This beautiful humiliation IS happening, and you along with so many others with their eyes pointed on you like arrows with the venom of a panic attack. What are you thinking at that point? What answers are you hoping to find? Whom do you look out to out of so many familiar faces? Do you feel a shortness of breath in this exposure to the rare, bold and rich cologne? Out of the corner of your eye, you see a calmly presented person, now. So much confidence in his voice. So much desire to hurt you, your pride, your ego, your thin fragile walls of laughter, you have to break. Every body breaks, but the anxious, they break 4 times when the lights go out and the spotlight of avoided glances hits their face.
I wonder, where do visions go? When we dream of something and let it go, does it just disappear?
Miracles don’t happen, like those Hollywood action blockbusters. I really wish miracles did happen, but that would make life very boring if everything just happened. Heroes don’t always have to win, don’t always have to be the one achieving wonders. It can be you, them, me, side kicks, or antagonists. I don’t qualify to say this, I know but waiting for the miraculous moment, hoping for a saviour is very boring. Things don’t just happen without a reason or perserverence. If it did, we would have a very monotonous life, a very monotonous schedule, a dull life. Life’s biggest present is life itself. I have always thought of it as an open world game. It is funny how simple it instantly becomes but I forgot that while forgetting it. I forgot life has options, which you take, then becomes decisions, and later becomes something I would term as my choices. It is upon these decisions that designs you and let’s you play the game. Life is a game and we are all just our own renditions at it. Even in games, miracles don’t happen, only countless hours of gameplay or cheats.
At times, it may sound like a lot, I honestly don’t have a lot going on. Just some lines along an empty space and time.
Thank you for reading, human.
I am at a crossroad
not beat, not tired, just waiting for the sign
Believed to worry naught
because at a crossroad, in the night
comes the devil, some ladies and a smile
You pay him the toll,
ask him to take control
take your life anywhere
but he jacks ya like a troll
I am at a crossroad, dont wanna worry the devil
He comes, and he goes, millions have lost control
You need advice, not the hounds of hell
Comfort in silence, compose the ringing bell
No such thing as a demon in dreams
Nor an angel in a nightmare
I am at the crossroads, and I am gonna pay the toll
because before you run, you gotta crawl