Anxiety is A-Go!

It is hard… To maintain the composure during the day. Let me put this as a late preface – The things that a naturally anxious or someone who suffers from a legitimately serious anxiety level desires, is to do the things that trigger their anxiety. It is sort of a mellow dream, or perhaps chasing a beautiful train of thoughts head on. When you stand there, at the moment, facing what seemed like a week’s plan on how to face it, the world spins, you get sweaty, your heart races, you… You feel anxious. It is so, obvious that, the very words you rehearsed in your mind in a picture perfect scenario, would fail to emerge. When you can’t “enjoy” life, when you fail to be on rhythm, fear or really do trip and fall on things. When you feel the spotlight is on you, and believe it or not… This is happening… This beautiful humiliation IS happening, and you along with so many others with their eyes pointed on you like arrows with the venom of a panic attack. What are you thinking at that point? What answers are you hoping to find? Whom do you look out to out of so many familiar faces? Do you feel a shortness of breath in this exposure to the rare, bold and rich cologne? Out of the corner of your eye, you see a calmly presented person, now. So much confidence in his voice. So much desire to hurt you, your pride, your ego, your thin fragile walls of laughter, you have to break. Every body breaks, but the anxious, they break 4 times when the lights go out and the spotlight of avoided glances hits their face.


Why do I heed the call?

​Why does a painter paint, Singer sing, Racers ride, even after their time has gone? 

I remember perhaps about 6 years ago people glue to my guitar playing. I never played really well. I don’t think I did, but layman as they be, their blessings were honest and their request to never stop playing, how good I was, how my music gave them a moments joy, perhaps, these are the thoughts subconsciously that still make me pick up my guitar every morning. I am at a stage where it may be too late for a Rockstar breakthrough. I have many other interests besides music and composing music has been one of them. I guess consciously when I pick up my guitar every day and feel lost with no direction or end goal this is what I tell myself, “Go on. This finger movement. This phrase. This skill will help me in composing nice music. “ that is all I really see possible of me, now, composing. Also there maybe some other desire that leads me to it, say, showing off, making people woo over me which circumvates to more motivation to pick up the guitar. Heh, it is funny, the thing I am playing the guitar for is the same thing making me play the guitar or vice versa. It is the often overlooked things that are right in front of you, but hold the key to the door to a desirable answer.
Here is a poem about the same that I wrote, though it is not nicely done, I believe it conveys my emotions.

Why does an artist draw, poet write

Even after their days have been in blight?

Why does a preacher continue to preach

And a rider set out even in the night?

Reminiscing the young and fun filled days

Of civets in the attic and songs by the hay

Once I was passionate as the highest notes say

O’ wild dreams I set out to chase

I don’t anymore, the time has passed 

That is a rational mind comprehended

Work hard, and settle down that is asked

Somehow I give in my dreams apprehended

O’ reminisce once again thy joyou days a soul sublimes

You have a call that is meant for giving

Turned you have the tables to your might

Let this song never be out rhymed

What a hypnotic dream I mumble each morning

As I rush to the corner of my room and arrange 

Every sheet of music as the night before

I sit down and warm up the range

Come the night, a woeful 

I wonder again why

Why does a singer sing, an artist paint

A poet seduce, lovers endure

Whose dreams are a life

What’s the devil to procure

You just keep sayin’ “some people”!


Do You know what leeches are? I bet you do, but I am going to remind you again to link to you what I type here and what I want you to learn. Well, leeches are… leeches. One fine day you decide that you want to go to a swamp because you have an undesirable liking for the place that people usually detest. So, you go there and you walk through it. You roam around hacking and slashing your way to and back. Upon reaching dry land and sitting down for leisure you feel a little odd down your spine. You move your hand over it and feel this sticky, slimy, throbbing, pulpy piece of filth on your skin. You are captivated by disgust, shock and fear. So, what do you do? Well, either burn it a little or pull it out and throw it to the swamp it crawled into you from. That’s what leech is, it sucks your blood, that’s it. It is what they do, their purpose and their way of life. They don’t know that. Because to them, sucking your blood is a natural process, but, to you, it is chore of the lowest specie. No hateful games just plain disgust. Now, in our folks, we have a saying, “tez khua”, which translates to blood sucker. We call people blood sucker as gruesome and cruel as it may sound, which, to me, seems no different than sucking the life out of you. Of course, this, we mean it metaphorically. Blood flows through your veins. It gives you life, it keeps you alive, it is what keeps you going. Your assets, physical and mental, your happiness, your treasures, goals, ambitions, and shit, those are the things that keep you going and those are the things inside of you each minute of your day. But, every now and then, a leech leeches on to your feet from a swamp and you do not notice. You only realise it when you either feel that uneasy feeling that leeches produce or when you are drained out of blood. You have nothing to do, now, yes? All that you can do, now, is to take a toothpick, unhook them, and throw them back to their loving swamp until it leeches onto some other adventurer’s feet and continue their innocent chore all life long. 
Leeches are dangerous. It is not necessary for you to live with them. Unhook and dispose of them when you spot one on yourself before it is too late, for your own life, because you owe yourself love.

The Idea of “One-ness”

The idea of one ness is scary. I will tell you why and by the end of this post, I hope you understand the reason behind it.

I see people saying One united World, No boundaries, no more presidents, one united belief, one world order, one world under God, and I see them every day and have been hearing it in songs since years, now. But, even though White Lion’s When the children cry made perfect sense and are one of my favourite tunes from one of my favourite 80s bands, the line One united world… under God, stood out and has been stuck in my head ever since that 13-14 year old self. Well, you see, first, it has got the coolest line, “One united World” which is pretty awesome and totally correct for any logical and rational and all the al’s, but One Unite world… hm… Let me dive deep, now. We are a diverse species. Sure, we are one specie as a whole, but you know and got to admit that we are the most diverse and cultural beings on this planet. No two person share all of the same views, hence no two sages and authors wrote the same names in heroic battles between Gods, Evil, and Man… well… maybe, but we are taking samples here. Now, we have many religions on this planet, and just like many religion, many followers and many non-believers. Now, suppose, X who is a non-believer/believer starts a revolution, and compels the world leaders and they all negotiate and shit, and they come to the conclusion that hell yeah, man! One Unite World! So, next, no borders, no nations, no rulers or dictators, no pressure to be a better country, no more individual, separate religion, what’s next? Well, nothing, really, nothing evil. We progress from then on. We race to the stars, we make alien contact and all the sci-fi shit and every one is great at what they are doing, right? No more worries, happy days! 🙂

Well, not entirely.

What anime like DBZ has taught me is that there is no end to problems and shit. Sure now all ya optimistic folks would haunt on me. BUUUUT, read me out, for a few more lines, why I insist on being a pesimistic fool. For starters, there are douchebags in every group. A black guy can be an asshole as much as a white guy. A brown guy can be as aggressive as a yellow guy. Now, I am just talking about colors, not specifically any race because, you see, then, there wont be any racial crime, so I guess it would be totally cool to call a black guy black, a pale guy white, a brown a brown, and yellow a yellow. Now, for the record there have never been unnoticed instances of people who look similar group together. And there also hasnt been a case of a forming tribe or clan to attack another. Now, again, we have a problem, you see. Although, we would be very far ahead in time and knowledge to be encouraged to revolt on trivial matters, but, we are human and it is human nature as much the cells and all the chemicals around to bond. We all bond. Everything bonds. Sometimes, for the better. 🙂 Now… the problem… problem… ah, yes! A herd of sheep, locked together, wolves in disguise one sheep as the shepherd. How do you control the situation? Would you rather have a division… nations, power keeping rulers, safe keeping its people and the ideologies and the varieties, or would you have a singular catastrophe that could and would potentially wipe us all out?

One Big Picture : Life

Are we given a life, as a gift, or do/did we earn it?

Either way, I have often come across this line that we should live it as if it were the only one and the last one. But restrictions have been put on us, as disciplines, as a set of rules. (I am sure I am making you annoyed by revolting against this Idea, but I do not mean it as that. Bear with me a while) Even if someone were to go back into time, to some pre-historic day, had he not followed a certain (although primitive) discipline, there would be a certain doom, either in the form of sharpened stones, or in the fangs of a Sabertooth or under the trampling of The great Mammoths. You shall think, “Yes, there has got to be certain limitations!” But if there is, you should know that these certain limitations doesn’t require to be the same for every person, or bird, or fish or animal on this planet or any being beyond our knowledge. Nay! I don’t mean to bring you down. Look here, just as some birds are meant to fly, some are meant to dive at blistering speeds and swim in the grand Pacific. Just like some birds have majestic feathers that basically act as a booty call 😛 (sorry about that!) others have the gift of picking up terrestrial wavelengths that go beyond the fathomable engineering and technology of the stars of respectable studies of man. I could say so much, buuuutttt! the meaning of it all, the meaning of life, so easy to assume and so hard to learn. Religion and Science, have spent so much, time, dedication, blood, sweat and tears, to figure it all out. To see if it all makes sense! We have sent Eyes up into the skies and Eyes inside our minds to pierce through the cosmos and our origins, respectively, and found that we are a piece of puzzle ( if not a fragment of a piece of puzzle). So, if Life is a gift, if you surely believe, it must be only logical, that we should instead of dividing this great puzzle, should integrate ourselves into one and complete the picture that displays the meaning of us all, as one. Should we not fulfill our unity? Do you not think even if we do not attain/achieve the meaning of life, we would atleast know what it looks like?

So, it goes without sayin’… All is one…